Today was a long day. An exciting day, an interesting day but a long day none the less.

Anna Grace had an appointment with a specialist in Melbourne (a 2-ish hour drive from here). I had been working on getting the appointment, gathering all the documents, etc for a few months. I was totally prepared.

Or so I thought.

I did not prepare for the drive. I was ready for the distance and the amount of time in the car. But I forgot to factor in the emotional part of the drive. I had to return to Brevard county. Return to that place where I was one of those kids from out on the canals… our version of the “other side of the tracks”. And all of the associated feelings.

I knew something was up but I couldn’t put my finger on it. But as I felt my blood pressure rise and my jaw began to ache from being clenched so tightly, I realized that I was in a panic over crossing the Brevard county line. As if on cue, Don’t Fear the Reaper was playing on the ipod as we “crossed over” to the place to which I hate returning. I took it as a bad sign.

I went across the overpass that looks down on the neighborhood where Mark grew up. Zipped past my old neighborhood…even saw the house where my stepfather used to live…. all on a drive to the doctor’s office. All the while the nausea was building.

And it started to make me spiral. Spiral as if all of those negative things that were said… or thought… about kids like me were actually true. Here I was, giving them weight and merit, all over again. And then I got mad.

This is just a strip of land. This is just a zip code, a location and place on a map. It has no power over me. None. Unless I choose for it to have power over me. This is my past. A past I had no control over. But I can control now, here and now.

So, I did my best to shake it off. Yes, there was a little dialogue going on in my head.

Stop clenching your jaw.

Please breathe.

If you’d stop looking over there you’d stop thinking about who used to live over there.

Un. Clench. Jaw. Now.

And we arrived in Melbourne. We went to the doctor, had a great visit and then I intended to get out of that county as quickly as I could. But then I realized that if I am still trying to run back across the county line, I am still letting a little strip of land have control of my feelings and my actions. So instead of heading toward the county line, we headed in the opposite direction.

We went to the beach!

And you know what? I’m so glad we did. I never saw the water look as blue. It was totally beautiful and Anna Grace had a fantastic time. I did too. And I would have missed out on all of that if I decided to let the past control me today.

Wanna see pictures?

Melbourne/Indian Harbor Beach

 

Anna Grace running from the waves

 

Anna Grace enjoying the waves

 

 

Happy kid!